Life is filled with ups and downs. We all experience them. So there are moments when the journey becomes particularly challenging for someone we care about. Whether they’re dealing with grief at the passing of a family member, coping with a break-up, struggling with homesickness, or managing a mental health issue – when someone is struggling, we want to lend a hand. That’s a natural response. But how best to help a friend in need?

But before we get into them, Gene has some words of advice:

“It’s worth saying that a person doesn’t need to be a psychologist or psychiatrist to help someone who’s struggling. The analogy we sometimes use is first aid. If you see someone in physical need, perhaps who has had a fall or cut themselves, you don’t walk past and say ‘I’m not going to help you because I’m not a doctor or nurse’. You do what you can in the short term to help. So, as with physical first aid, by providing psychological ‘first aid’, you can make a real difference to someone who is going through a tough time.”

5 ways to help a friend

1. Listen

One of the most powerful ways to help a friend is simply by listening. When someone is going through a tough time, they often need to process that feeling. And talking about it can help with that. Here’s Gene:

“It sounds almost blasé, but actually listening to someone, rather than just hearing what they’re saying, is really important. What that means is something called active listening. That involves checking in with them so that you understand what they’re saying, and reflecting their words back to them. The person you’re listening to then gets more of a sense that you are actually listening to them and that you’re understanding them – or at least trying to – rather than just paying lip service.”

2. Don’t judge

One of the keys to helping people is to focus on what they’re saying without interrupting or judging. Gene’s advice is to let them express their feelings, and validate their emotions by acknowledging their experiences without trying to fix them.

“Try your best not to give advice, particularly early on. There are obviously caveats, such as if someone is in a dangerous situation, when you may well say that you think they need to talk to the police or someone who can provide immediate help. But generally, if someone is struggling, you wouldn’t respond straight away with ‘Oh, you should do X or Y’. Because, again, that shows you are not listening to them. Sometimes the most therapeutic thing for a person is just to be heard. So when someone is confiding in you, don’t be judgemental and say, “Oh my gosh, really? You actually thought that?’ Try something more like, ‘Okay, tell me more about that’. It’s important not to cast aspersions on people, even if they are talking about some difficult topics, like self-harm.”

3. Be present

Being there to help a friend during tough times is invaluable. Whether they’re ready to open up or not, simply showing up and being present can make a significant difference, as Gene points out:

“There’s also often something to be said for simply spending time with someone who is struggling, and doing something else other than talk about their actual situation. For lots of people, but particularly we see it with men who might be quite stoic about their feelings, it could just be a case of saying ‘Let’s go to the football together’, or ‘let’s watch TV’, and spending an hour or two talking about anything but their mental health. That can be really therapeutic as well. Remember that just because someone doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on in their head, doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with you, or that spending time with you won’t help them.”

4. Respect their boundaries

While it’s important to offer your support, it’s equally crucial to respect your friend’s boundaries. Everyone copes with challenges differently, and some may need space and time to process their emotions. Understand that pushing them to talk or constantly being intrusive may do more harm than good.

“If someone is not ready to talk, and if they’re not at immediate risk, you should respect that. Forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do can make the situation worse. But that doesn’t mean leaving them alone. You can let them know that you are willing to listen whenever they are ready. Give them an indication that when they’re ready, you’ll be available. You don’t want to say ‘You need to open up to me’. You need to respect their decision but also make it extremely clear that when they are ready to talk, you will listen and won’t judge them for what they might say. Often that’s the reason people don’t open up. They might think, ‘Well, if I tell you, you’re going to think I’m crazy, or you’re going to ring the police or something’.”

5. Follow up

Staying connected is essential to help a friend who is struggling, even after the initial crisis has passed. Gene says that making a conscious effort to check in with them regularly through calls, texts or planned hangouts can really help. It lets them know that you’re thinking of them and that you’re there to offer support whenever they need it.

“Suggest catching up again, to show that you have interest in them and that you care to see how they are going. Ongoing social support can be a real buffer against anxiety and depression. And people can feel more secure knowing that someone is there for them on an ongoing basis.”

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If you find yourself grappling with the uncertainty of how best to support a friend in crisis, rest assured – offering empathy and support will go a long way to helping them through the tough times. And you know your friend will be there for you when you need them, too.

And if you or someone you know needs help, remember that there is always support available. If you’re a Charles Sturt student, reach out to our counselling team or call the 24/7 wellbeing line on 1300 572 516. Alternatively, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. You can also contact them via text and web chat.

Take your caring to the next level

Put empathy at the heart of your career. Study Charles Sturt’s Bachelor of Psychology¹ and learn all about human behaviour – to help people when they need it.

¹CRICOS: 025518G